Grief has a way of changing how we speak to ourselves. Alongside the sadness or longing, another voice often appears. It questions how we are grieving, wonders why we still feel this way, or tells us we should be stronger by now.

In this Living With Grief workshop, I share a reflection on self-compassion and guide a short practice to help you discover the words you most need to hear when grief appears.

Below you’ll find the transcript from the session, organized so you can easily follow along or return to the reflection and journaling exercise whenever you need.

Transcript 

Introducing the Self-Compassion Practice

This is a recording of the Monthly Living with Grief Workshop, and I'm Heather Stang. To sign up for the next free event, visit heatherstang.com and click on free workshop. While I do not record the Q and A session at the end to protect attendees’ privacy, if you attend live you'll have time to ask whatever questions you have about Mindfulness and Grief. I hope you find this session helpful for your grief journey.

I’m going to share one of my favorite practices, something I first encountered while reading Dr. Kristin Neff’s book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. It’s a wonderful book. It isn’t specifically about grief, but the ideas resonate deeply for people who are grieving.

One of the concepts she discusses is having a self-compassion mantra.

Many of us are incredibly self-critical even when we’re not grieving. In many ways it’s cultural. We’re taught not to praise ourselves, not to put ourselves first, not to appear self-centered. Over time that mindset can really stifle our ability to live fully.

When grief enters our lives, self-compassion can feel even more difficult.

Sometimes we feel that treating ourselves kindly is something we don’t deserve. Sometimes we worry it might be selfish. We may think others have it worse or believe we should be focusing on helping other people rather than resting ourselves.

But our pain matters just as much as anyone else’s.

Another challenge in grief is the expectation that we are supposed to be strong. Many people say things like “you’re so strong,” and yet inside we may be thinking, I don’t want to be strong. Strength in grief often feels forced on us.

There may come a time further down the road when you look back and realize you survived something incredibly difficult. But in the moment, when you are facing painful emotions or decisions, you may not feel strong at all.

And when people say things like “you need to move on” or “why are you still feeling this way,” we can begin to internalize those messages. Those comments are not particularly kind, and they are certainly not things we need to repeat to ourselves.

Judging Our Grief

Judgment shows up in grief in many different ways.

Sometimes we judge how much we cry or how little we cry. Sometimes we feel guilty for remembering good times or laughing about something funny the person once did.

I remember sitting with people in a grief circle after someone had died. Someone shared a funny memory and we all laughed, and then suddenly someone said, “Why are we laughing? We shouldn’t be laughing.”

A wave of guilt appeared. But remembering something funny about the person we lost can also be part of grief.

Another common form of judgment relates to time. People often tell me they are two or three years after losing a spouse, child, or parent and still experiencing grief waves. They wonder why they are still feeling this way.

But grief is not linear. We say this often in grief work. It comes and goes unpredictably.

A friend of mine recently shared that she lost her mother when she was twenty years old and, even forty-five years later, grief waves can still appear. That happens because love doesn’t disappear. Anniversaries, memories, and other losses can bring those feelings back.

What Self-Compassion Really Means

Dr. Kristin Neff’s research describes three elements of self-compassion that help make the concept more understandable: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.

Mindfulness

The first element is mindfulness. Mindfulness means noticing what you feel without judgment.

It does not mean pretending everything is okay. It does not mean ignoring your emotions or pushing them away. It also doesn’t mean intensifying them.

Instead, mindfulness simply acknowledges the truth of the moment. It allows us to say, “This is a moment of suffering” or “This moment is hard.”

Naming the experience can be a powerful act of compassion. Often we try to power through grief, suppress it, or distract ourselves from it. Mindfulness allows us to see our pain clearly without attacking ourselves for feeling it.

Common Humanity

The second element is common humanity. This is the understanding that we are not alone in our suffering.

Everyone in this room may be grieving a different loss. Some may have experienced a sudden death while others faced a long illness. Some may be grieving a spouse, a parent, a child, a friend, or an animal companion.

But what unites us is the experience of loving someone and missing them.

Our desire for safety, our wish to be free from suffering, and our hope that the people we love are also free from suffering are deeply human experiences. Recognizing that can soften the sense of isolation that grief often brings.

Self-Kindness

The third element is self-kindness. This refers to the way we speak to ourselves and the way we show up for ourselves.

Self-kindness means offering the same care you would extend to a beloved friend who is suffering.

Sometimes that might sound like saying, “This is hard, and I’m doing the best I can.” For some people even that phrase may feel like too much, and simply acknowledging “This is hard” can be enough.

A Brief Reflection

Before we begin the meditation, I want to invite you to notice something.

There is a part of you that is hurting right now. At the same time, there is also a part of you that cares about that suffering and wants to respond with tenderness.

Self-compassion is about allowing that caring part of you to show up.

Even though we cannot change what happened, we can accompany ourselves through these difficult moments.

Meditation Practice

I invite you to settle into a posture that feels supportive. You might sit upright in your chair, lean back, or even lie down. There is no right or wrong position. Simply allow your body to settle into a shape that feels stable and relaxed.

You may want to take a few mindful breaths, either noticing your natural breathing or allowing the breath to deepen slightly.

Now bring to mind the image of someone who looks like you. You might imagine looking at yourself in a mirror, or picture someone about your age and gender sitting across from you. Some people imagine a close friend who has experienced grief.

Imagine this person sitting across from you.

This person is hurting. From where you sit, you are the one offering care.

You might imagine placing a hand on their shoulder. You might imagine speaking comforting words. Or you may simply sit quietly beside them, holding space.

Allow the caring part of you to show up in whatever way feels natural. There is no need to get this perfect. Compassion itself is enough.

Journaling Practice

After the meditation, take a few moments to write down what you most needed to hear. Don’t worry about spelling, grammar, punctuation, or even whether the sentences make perfect sense.

Just let the words come.

Write about what you said during the meditation or what you felt during the reflection.

When you finish, read back over what you wrote and underline any words or phrases that stand out to you. From those words, create one or two sentences that will become your reminder when you need self-compassion.

Creating Your Self-Compassion Mantra

What you’ve written becomes your self-compassion mantra. A mantra is simply a phrase you return to when self-criticism appears.

You might keep it somewhere visible, such as a sticky note on your computer screen, your bathroom mirror, or a piece of paper in your wallet.

When you repeat those words, they can remind you to respond to yourself with kindness rather than criticism.

Mantras Shared by Participants

At the end of the workshop, participants shared the phrases they wrote for themselves. You are welcome to borrow any of these if they resonate with you.

• You are okay. It’s okay. You are where you need to be right now.
• Grief is like a river. Let it flow. Don’t build dams. There is no timeline.
• Your own heart matters. Make space for yourself. You are okay.
• I give myself permission to move myself to the top of my priority list.
• I do have the time to be right here, right now, just as I am.
• It’s okay to have the feelings I have and embrace them.

No matter what type of grief or loss you are experiencing, it matters. Join me for the next Living With Grief workshop, which is offered monthly.