Deciding not to attend holiday events while grieving isn’t about saying no to people you care about—it’s about saying yes to what you need to heal. 

I am not Emily Post. And grief is not finishing school.

But having a framework for saying no to holiday events that honors your grieving heart is a superpower that can prevent future agony, and is an important part of my Grief-Sensitive Holiday Planner. I included this because so many of my clients and grief support group members agonize over holiday invitations. Who wants to be in a room of happy, loud people who don't seem to get that your world has fallen apart?

The holiday party pressure just adds to the minefield of emotions you are already facing and may make you want to crawl under the covers and hide. This is your invitation to prioritize your emotional well-being without apology, and in a way that preserves your cherished relationships, whether it's Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, New Years, or any other holiday throughout the year.

Why Saying No To Holiday Events Is So Hard

Saying no to holiday events can feel almost impossible, especially when emotions are heightened. This is why so many of us struggle:

1. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) 
   You may worry that skipping an event will leave you feeling isolated or regretful. The thought of not being part of a joyful gathering can create tension between wanting to say no and fearing what you might miss.
2. Pressure from Others
   Do you ever feel like saying yes just to get someone off your back? When family and friends insist you attend by saying, “It won’t be the same without you,” or “You’ll feel better once you’re here,” you may feel guilted into doing something you don’t want to do. Their intentions may be kind, but it can feel like added pressure.
3. Grief Amplifies Change
   Declining an event can reinforce the unwelcome reality that life has changed. It might feel like saying no means admitting to yourself—and others—that things aren’t the same anymore.
4. Fear of Hurting Feelings
   When you have already lost one (or more) people you love, the relationships that remain become more precious. It is natural to feel that saying no will disappoint the host or damage the relationship, especially if they’ve gone out of their way to include you. But if you communicate your needs mindfully, it may even strengthen the integrity of your relationship.
5. Internal Guilt
   Grief brings plenty of emotional burdens, and declining an invitation might feel like you’re “failing” to engage with life. But grief isn’t your choice, and you are not responsible for the pain, sadness, anxiety, and exhaustion it brings. This is not your fault. Think of all the other humans on the planet who are in a similar position. This reflection on common humanity may help you soften to your own situation.
6. People Pleasing
   Some of us never learned how to say no. We feel it is on us to make everyone happy, even at our own expense. I put this one in here for myself (and maybe for you), because it is the number one reason I self-abandon in any situation, not just parties. See what it would be like to put yourself first, and take care of the only person you are really in control of.

Deciding to Say Yes or No to Holiday Parties

When you’re grieving, even the smallest decisions can feel overwhelming. Taking the time to reflect on these key factors below will help you make a choice that feels right for you:

1. Assess Your Emotional Capacity 
   Do you have the energy to attend? Will this event support your healing, or does it feel like it will drain you emotionally?
2. Consider Your Ability to Be Present 
   Will you be able to engage with others authentically? Will you feel connected or drained? If you feel like you’ll have to force a smile or suppress your emotions, it might be worth reconsidering.
3. Weigh the Event’s Significance 
   Some events may carry more emotional weight than others. Is this a once-in-a-lifetime moment, like a family member’s last holiday or a reunion with distant relatives who live overseas? Or are the attendees the same people you have dinner with every Sunday?
4. Honor Your Feelings Without Self-Abandonment 
   Will attending this event mean causing yourself more suffering? It’s okay to choose yourself and prioritize your well-being.

What About Maybe?

Sometimes, the answer doesn’t have to be a firm yes or no. For certain types of events, a flexible approach might work. But be mindful of whether your “maybe” is simply postponing an inevitable no. Saying no sooner can reduce anxiety for both you and the host.

1. Open-Ended Invitations 
   If the gathering is casual or open house-style, let the host know you’ll decide closer to the date based on your feelings.
2. Partial Attendance 
   Commit to attending for a brief period. For example, stop by for an hour or just for dessert. This allows you to connect without overcommitting.
3. Communicate Your Intentions Clearly 
   If you choose a “maybe,” explain it honestly. Let the host know you appreciate the invitation and want to participate, yet, this year, it will be limited to what you feel prepared to handle.

How to Say No With Compassion and Clarity

Saying no doesn’t have to mean shutting people out, or that you will never attend a holiday party again. Here are some tips on declining a holiday invitation in a way that will put both you and the host at ease:

1. Express Gratitude 
   Start by thanking the host for their thoughtfulness in including you. Appreciation for their effort shows appreciation and keeps the relationship strong. Example: “Thank you so much for inviting me. It means a lot that you thought of me during this time.”
2. Let Them Know Your Decision is Fixed
   Let the host know that you’ve put a lot of thought into your decision and that it’s not something you made lightly. This helps convey that your choice is firm and not open to debate. Example: “I’ve spent some time reflecting on how I’m feeling this holiday season, and I’ve decided it’s best for me to stay home and focus on self-care.”
3. Be Honest but Brief 
   Share your decision with kindness and clarity, without overexplaining. Example: “This year, I’ve decided to stay home and take care of myself. I’m planning a quiet evening with some meditation and self-reflection.”
4. Decide How Much to Share 
   You don’t have to give all the details about your grief unless you feel comfortable. Being succinct can prevent pushback or pressure.
5. Offer an Alternative 
   Suggest a one-on-one connection to show you value the relationship. Example: “I’d love to catch up soon, maybe for coffee or a walk next week.”
6. Reassure for the Future 
   Let them know that your choice is about this year and doesn’t mean you’ll always decline. Example: “I hope to join next time, but for this year, I need to focus on myself.”

Why This Approach Works

Declining an invitation thoughtfully and clearly:

1. Reduces Misunderstandings 
   Gratitude and clarity prevent the host from taking your decision personally.
2. Preserves Your Support System 
   Offering alternatives or explaining your needs shows care for the relationship while prioritizing yourself.
3. Minimizes Pressure 
   A clear, honest response reduces the likelihood of the host trying to change your mind.
4. Empowers You 
   Saying no in a kind and confident way reinforces that your emotional well-being is valid and important.
5. Builds Future Bridges 
   Reassuring the host that you’re open to future gatherings keeps the relationship intact for when you’re ready.

An Invitation You Won’t Want to Say No To (But No Pressure)

If you’re looking for a group event this holiday season that feels right for where you are, join me in Awaken, my online grief support community. Our wonderful members and I are here to guide and support you, no matter how you’re feeling. You don’t have to put on an outfit, force a smile, or pretend everything is okay. Just come as you are—we’re here to help you navigate this season and beyond with compassion and understanding.