Every holiday season, I work with my clients to create strategies for reducing holiday anxiety and navigating this emotionally charged time of year. But even with the best plan in your back pocket, it’s natural to feel “tipped over” at times.

Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and it doesn’t always follow a schedule—feelings can arise unexpectedly, no matter how much we try to prepare. Add a room full of people, holiday traditions, and the chaos of a gathering to the mix, and it can quickly become a recipe for big emotions.

The good news? While triggers are common when you are grieving, they don’t have to derail your entire day. With a few intentional strategies, you can calm your nervous system and regain your sense of balance, even amid chaos. There are ways to steady yourself when the moment strikes, helping you find calm and comfort amidst the storm.

What To Do When Holiday Grief Triggers Strike at a Party

Responding to your triggers isn’t about changing your feelings or pretending everything is fine when it clearly isn’t. It’s about finding ways to reduce your suffering and giving yourself the tools to navigate those difficult moments with a little more ease. You’re allowed to feel what you feel while also taking steps to support your well-being.

Here are some practical tips to help you handle holiday triggers when they arise. But the most important thing to remember is that you deserve care and compassion.

When You’re Overwhelmed by a Crowded, Noisy Room

Holiday gatherings can sometimes feel chaotic, with conversations, laughter, and noise coming from every direction. If you’re feeling overstimulated:

• Step Away to a Quiet Space: It’s okay to excuse yourself for a few minutes. Find a quiet room or even the bathroom to regroup. Take deep breaths and allow your senses to settle.
• Focus on One Sensation: Focus on one thing and one thing only: Gaze at a single holiday light, smell the scented candle, or feel your feet on the floor. This gives your mind just one thing to do.
• Use Noise-Canceling Strategies: Carry earplugs or use an app with calming white noise or gentle music to help block out the noise and center yourself.

When Someone Brings Up Your Loved One Unexpectedly

Hearing your loved one’s name can bring both comfort and sadness, but it might also catch you off guard. If grief rises suddenly:

• Anchor with a Personal Item: A meaningful item that belonged to your loved one, such as a piece of jewelry or a handkerchief, can be a touchstone when you feel this pang. It’s a simple way to ground yourself in their memory while finding calm.
• Pause and Acknowledge Your Feelings: Instead of pushing emotions away, let yourself take a moment to feel the sadness. Excuse yourself, breathe deeply, and remind yourself that it’s okay to grieve.
• Talk About Your Loved One: While it is natural to feel like avoiding what makes us sad can help, most people feel relieved talking to others about their special person. Share a favorite holiday memory, what you miss about them, or even thank the person for remembering them.

When a Family Member Says Something Insensitive

Whether it’s a misguided comment about your grief or a conversation that turns tense, family gatherings can sometimes bring up hurtful moments. While in the long term it is important to address these slights, in the middle of a holiday meal you may want a briefer response:

• Communicate and Set a Boundary: Communicating your needs and setting boundaries will protect your well-being without adding more fuel to the fire. Take a breath. Then, in a calm, clear tone, share,“I’m finding this conversation difficult right now. Can we shift to another topic?” can redirect the interaction without unnecessary conflict.
• Use a Safe Exit Phrase: Have a go-to response like, “Excuse me, I need to grab some water,” to step away from the situation without escalation.
• Visualize a Shield: Mentally picture a shield protecting you from the impact of their words. Remind yourself that their comments are more about them than about you. My favorite is to imagine white light swirling around me.

When You’re Feeling Isolated in a Group

Even surrounded by people, it’s possible to feel lonely—especially if you’re grieving. Combat feelings of isolation with these strategies:

Even in a crowded room, grief can leave you feeling profoundly lonely. Here are some ways to combat those feelings and reconnect:

• Connect with Just One Person: Instead of focusing on the entire group, look for one person you feel comfortable with and start a conversation. Sharing a memory, asking a question, or simply sitting with them can help ease feelings of disconnection.
• Focus on a Task: Volunteer to help with something specific, like serving food, tidying up, or setting the table. Engaging in a purposeful activity shifts your focus and fosters a sense of connection with the person or group you’re assisting.
• Practice Silent Compassion: Try a simple metta meditation by silently offering well-wishes to those around you. Repeat phrases like, “May you be free from suffering, as I wish to be free from suffering.” This practice has been proven to reduce fear and anxiety, and may work well for you.

When Family Drama Pulls You In

Holidays often bring heightened emotions; family drama can easily pull you into uncomfortable situations. Here are strategies to help you stay grounded and protect your peace:

• Remember Your Autonomy: Remind yourself that you are not obligated to take sides or resolve conflicts. You can set boundaries and choose not to engage in overwhelming situations. Visualizing yourself as a neutral observer can help you maintain emotional distance.
• Excuse Yourself for Fresh Air: Step outside for a walk if the tension becomes too much. Fresh air and movement can help you release pent-up stress, clear your head, and reset your mood. Even a few minutes away from the situation can give you the perspective needed to return with a calmer mindset.
• Practice Silent Reassurance: Use internal affirmations to stay grounded, such as, “I don’t have to engage” or “This moment will pass.” These simple phrases can help you feel anchored and remind you that the drama is temporary and not yours to carry.

When You Feel Guilty for Enjoying Yourself

Grieving during the holidays can make moments of joy feel bittersweet. If guilt arises when you laugh or enjoy yourself:

• Accept the Non-Duality of Emotions: Grief and joy can coexist, and it’s normal to feel both simultaneously. Remember that experiencing happiness doesn’t diminish your love for the person you’ve lost. Allow yourself to hold space for both emotions without judgment.
• Reflect on Their Wishes for You: Think about what your loved one would want for you. Most likely, they would hope you find moments of joy and connection. Imagine them encouraging you to laugh, smile, and enjoy the holiday in their honor.
• Create an On-The-Spot Ritual: Light a candle, say their name, or take a moment to acknowledge their presence. Connecting with their memory meaningfully can help you balance the joy of the present moment with the love and grief you carry for them. These small acts of remembrance can bring peace and keep their spirit close.

When You’re Feeling Overstimulated by Holiday Sensations

From rich foods to twinkling lights, the sensory overload of holidays can be To find calm:

• Focus on Neutral Sensations: Bring your attention to something grounding and simple, like the texture of your clothing, a bracelet, or a nearby object. Gently run your fingers over it, focusing on how it feels. This practice redirects your mind from overstimulation to a steady, neutral sensation, helping you feel more anchored in the moment.
• Take Sips of Water: Drinking water slowly, one sip at a time, is an easy way to regulate your nervous system. The cool sensation and deliberate act of sipping can provide a moment of calm and control, giving you a chance to reset and step back from overwhelming sensations.
• Find a Safe Space to Reset: If the environment feels too chaotic, excuse yourself to a quieter area like a guest room, bathroom, or outdoor space. Place your hand over your heart and repeat a calming word or phrase, such as “I am safe” or “This will pass.” A few moments focusing on yourself can go a long way to help you feel more at ease before returning to the group.

Closing Thoughts

Holiday events can be triggering, but they don’t have to overwhelm you. You can handle even the most challenging moments with grace and compassion, it just takes the right skills and a little preparation. The reality is even though many of us feel we won’t survive holiday grief, you will. I have been doing this work for decades, and I know you can.

If you’d like more support navigating the holidays, consider joining my Holiday Grief Support Group or scheduling a private session. Together, we can find ways to make this season a little lighter.