I have been divorced now for over two years. And as I approach what would have been my 12th anniversary on October 31, 2024, I finally feel ready to talk about divorce loss in a public way. As an expert in the field of death-related grief, I know academically there are similarities and differences between death and non-death loss. My latest book, Navigating Loss, explores the types of grief that are often perceived as invisible losses, divorce being one of the most common.
Let me start this by saying that, in my experience, it isn’t that one type of loss is universally harder than the other—it’s the loss you are dealing with that is the most challenging to you. And that is all that matters as far as I am concerned. My goal is to help people reduce their suffering in the healthiest way possible and eventually find a way to live fully in the wake of what has happened.
So while the word “grief” is most commonly associated with death, it is not the only kind of loss that can break your heart. Whether we are talking about the end of a marriage or a significant romantic relationship, divorce grief is very real. It touches not only your heart but can also impact your social circle, finances, housing situation, family and pet custody, and so much more.
And whether you were the one who left or the one left behind, the emotional impact is heavy. Yet, because it is so common, the loss aspect of divorce is often overlooked.
I’ve been asked countless times by clients and friends, “What if I’m grieving something that isn’t a death? Does that still count as grief?” Each time, I feel a pang of recognition. I’ve experienced these questions firsthand through my own divorce and the cascade of secondary losses that followed—financial stability, my sense of home, and the dream of how my life was supposed to unfold. It’s all too easy to minimize these feelings, telling yourself to just “move on.”
But here’s the truth: Every loss deserves care and attention.
Beyond the 5 Stages of Grief: Both Death and Divorce are Messier Than That
I was disappointed—though not shocked—to find that when I googled “divorce grief,” many articles referenced the 5 Stages of Grief by the amazing Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. I’ve written about this misleading framework in The Five Stages of Grief: Are They Real? and Enough with the Five Stages of Grief: And Why Dr. Kübler-Ross Would Agree. But I always want to underscore that this does not diminish the great Doctor's work - just how it is used in pop-psychology. As I explain there:
"Here is the problem: these are observations of the Dying Patient, not those left behind to grieve. Additionally, Dr. Kübler-Ross herself labels these as observations and did not conduct any peer-reviewed research to confirm them as a universal framework for grief. In fact, no study has ever proven that grief follows these five stages in any predictable order."
While it may seem comforting to think of grief as a neat sequence—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—the truth is, grief doesn’t work that way. Grief—whether from death or divorce—isn’t linear or predictable.
It’s fluid and adaptive, requiring us to navigate shifting emotions and unexpected challenges. Healing isn’t about following a checklist to “get over it” or find some sort of “closure.” Doing your grief work is about learning to live with loss in a way that makes space for growth, change, and meaning.
Divorce as a Disenfranchised Loss
Divorce is often a disenfranchised loss, meaning it isn’t always acknowledged as a legitimate reason to grieve. Whether you initiated the divorce or were left behind, the emotional impact is real. But because divorce is so common, it’s easy to feel that your grief doesn’t “count.”
At a conference where Darcy Harris spoke about non-death grief, I had an emotional breakthrough. She discussed how certain losses—like divorce, estrangement, and caregiving—are often overlooked, leaving people to struggle in silence. Sitting in that room, I realized that I had been disenfranchising my own losses, telling myself they didn’t matter as much as they should. That moment inspired me to write Navigating Loss to help others validate their grief—whether it’s seen by society or not.
A Compassionate, Evidence-Based Approach to Grief
Contemporary grief theories, such as Meaning Reconstruction, Attachment Theory, and the Dual Process Model, offer a more realistic and compassionate view of what it means to grieve. They recognize that healing—whether from divorce or death—is not a linear journey but an ongoing process of navigating emotions, reconstructing meaning, and adjusting to a new reality.
In my practice, I’ve combined these frameworks into my Mindfulness & Grief System, which I use to help clients cope with emotional pain, adjust to life’s changes, and become the person they want to be—healthy, whole, and resilient. Through mindfulness, journaling, and attachment work, I guide clients toward living with their loss, cultivating self-compassion, and reconnecting with meaning and joy.
How Attachment Styles Shape Divorce Grief
Our attachment styles shape how we experience and cope with loss. As someone with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, I understand how hard it can be to navigate the end of a relationship while learning to meet your own emotional needs. In Navigating Loss, I reflect on this reality with both honesty and humor:
"One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn is how to meet my own needs. I have a love-hate relationship with this reality—it feels empowering and exhausting all at once."
Healing from divorce often involves building emotional resilience and learning new ways to care for yourself—something that can feel daunting but is necessary for growth. I offer attachment coaching to help people explore their patterns, build resilience, and develop healthier ways of meeting their needs.
Who Am I Now? Reconstructing Meaning After Divorce
Divorce can leave you feeling lost, asking, Who am I now? The roles we play, the routines we follow, and the dreams we cherish are often tied to the relationship we lose. After my own divorce, I struggled to redefine my identity and find meaning in a future that looked nothing like I had imagined.
In Navigating Loss, I explore meaning reconstruction, a process that helps you make sense of your new reality and find purpose after loss. It’s about letting go of the life you once envisioned and creating a new narrative that reflects who you are becoming.
Building Resilience After Divorce
Right now, you may not feel resilient—grief has a way of draining our strength and leaving us feeling unmoored. But resilience isn’t something you either have or don’t; it’s something you build. Along the way, you’ll have to do things you don’t want to do and confront emotions you never wanted to feel. With the right tools and support, though, you can move through the pain more quickly and with greater ease than you might manage alone.
Over time, you will rebuild your life—stronger, wiser, and more resilient than before.
Your Next Steps Toward Healing
Grieving a divorce isn’t about following a checklist—it’s about learning to live with the loss in a way that allows you to grow, heal, and become the person you want to be. If you’re navigating divorce grief, know that your feelings are real, your loss is valid, and your journey matters.
If you’re ready to dive deeper, download a free sample chapter from Navigating Loss to explore personal stories, tools, and exercises designed to support your healing.
If you’d like more personalized support, I also offer attachment coaching as part of my grief counseling to help you understand your emotional patterns, rebuild your sense of self, and create a life that reflects who you want to be.
