The holidays can feel like a minefield of emotions when you’re grieving. Thanksgiving, in particular, brings particular challenges—family traditions, expectations, and gatherings that can feel overwhelming when you’re carrying the weight of loss. While loved ones may mean well, their expectations for how you “should” show up during the holiday don’t always align with what you need.

The good news? You can navigate these expectations with compassion—for yourself and others—while creating space for your grief.

Here’s how to handle family expectations when you’re grieving this Thanksgiving.

Acknowledge Your Own Needs First

Before dealing with family expectations, reflecting on what you need is essential. Grief is personal, and how you want to spend Thanksgiving may look different from how others expect you to. Do you feel like attending a big family gathering, or would you prefer something quieter? Do you want to keep all the traditions intact or scale them to be more manageable?

• Reflect on what you need: Write down what feels doable for you this Thanksgiving. You can always make compromises. For example, attend an event for two hours rather than all day. Or rather than doing all the things, focus on a few traditions that bring you comfort. Knowing your boundaries in advance can help you communicate them clearly to others.

Communicate Honestly with Your Family

It’s natural for family members to have expectations around Thanksgiving, especially when it comes to long-standing traditions. But other people’s expectations don’t have to dictate your choices. Open and honest communication about your needs, especially with difficult people, can help set the stage for a holiday that is manageable and meaningful

• How to start: Let your family and friends know that you are prioritizing your wellbeing. Next, share what you feel you are capable of doing this year.
• Set realistic expectations: If you need to step away from certain traditions or responsibilities, be upfront. Share that it’s about your need to grieve and heal, not avoid the family.

It’s Okay to Say No

One of the hardest parts of grieving during the holidays is saying no to things that feel too overwhelming. Remember, you don’t owe anyone an explanation beyond what you’re comfortable sharing.

• When to say No: If a particular activity or tradition feels too heavy—like decorating, cooking, or attending a large event—it’s okay to skip it this year. Offer alternatives if you feel up to it, like joining for dessert instead of the whole meal or attending a smaller gathering later.
• Offer an alternative: For most people, the size and tone of holiday events are the problem, not the host. You can convey you care about the relationship, and get much needed support, by planning to meet for coffee or a walk in a more intimate setting.

Compromise Without Sacrificing Your Boundaries

Sometimes, a middle ground can help ease tension while honoring your needs. If family members are eager for your participation, consider finding ways to be involved that feel manageable for you.

• Example: If your family expects you to help with the meal, you could contribute a simple dish that doesn’t require much effort. Or, if they want you to join in all day, plan to attend for a shorter period of time and leave when you need a break.
• Personalize a tradition: If certain traditions feel too heavy, suggest adapting them to honor your loved one’s memory on Thanksgiving. For example, lighting a candle at the table or sharing a story about them could help bring their presence into the holiday in a meaningful way.

Prepare for Uncomfortable Conversations

Even with the best intentions, family members may say insensitive things or push you to participate in ways that don’t feel right. Preparing for these moments can help you respond without feeling caught off guard.

• Responding to pressure: Plan ahead on how you will cope with a difficult person during the holiday event. While you can't change the other person, you can be more in control of the situation with just a little bit of preparation.

Lean on Support Outside Your Family

In my experience, family dynamics complicate the grieving process more often than not during the holidays. This is why I recommend looking for support beyond your family, who may also be grieving. Grief support groups, close friends, or your mental health counselor or hotline (call 988) can give you a safe space to process your feelings without judgment.

• Holiday Grief Support Groups: Joining a group of people who understand what it’s like to grieve during the holidays can provide comfort and validation. It’s a place to share your experiences and get tips for navigating the season. Learn more about my Holiday Grief Support Group here.

Give Yourself Permission to Feel Whatever Comes Up

Grieving on Thanksgiving is hard, no matter how much planning or preparation you do. You may feel a mix of emotions—sadness, anger, gratitude, even moments of joy. That’s okay. Let yourself experience these feelings without judgment.

• Self-Compassion Tip: When you feel overwhelmed, take a break to breathe, take a walk, or spend a moment in quiet reflection. Tend to your emotions by first acknowledging how you really feel, then offering yourself words of kindness. The fact that you are grieving is not your fault, and it is hard.

Closing Thoughts

Grief is never easy. And it gets extra hard when family expectations add pressure to an already emotional season. Remember that you can communicate your needs, set clear boundaries, honor your grief, and connect with friends and family. It just may look a little different this year.

If you need a safe space to connect with people who understand, consider joining my online grief support group, Awaken, or schedule a private grief counseling session. Together, we can navigate this season with care and compassion. You’re not alone.