Grief can feel like an endless storm—waves of sadness, longing, and even numbness pulling us in different directions. During these moments, tending to our emotional and physical needs becomes vital, but self-care isn’t one-size-fits-all. By recognizing our unique personality needs—the core motivators that drive how we feel connected and fulfilled—we can create self-care practices that truly nourish us.
As a Certified IAT Coach, I incorporate insights from Thais Gibson's Integrated Attachment Theory (IAT) to help individuals discover and meet their top personality needs. In this blog, we’ll explore how to align self-care with your unique needs and ensure your healing practices truly stick.
What Are Personality Needs?
Personality needs are the subconscious drivers that influence how we experience fulfillment, satisfaction, and connection in life. These needs operate beneath the surface, shaping our emotions, behaviors, and the decisions we make every day. According to Thais Gibson’s Integrated Attachment Theory (IAT), which incorporates Tony Robbins’ framework of the six universal human needs, these priorities include Love and Connection, Certainty, Uncertainty (Adventure), Significance, Growth, and Contribution.
While we all have some level of these six core needs, the way they rank in importance varies from person to person. For example, someone whose primary need is Love and Connection will feel most fulfilled through activities that nurture emotional intimacy, closeness, and understanding. On the other hand, a person who prioritizes Growth might find deeper satisfaction in learning new skills, setting personal goals, and continuously evolving.
When it comes to self-care, aligning your activities with your most important personality needs is crucial. The more needs a self-care activity fulfills, the more rewarding and sustainable it will feel. For instance, a group yoga class might meet multiple needs simultaneously—Certainty (a consistent routine), Love and Connection (sharing space with others), and Growth (developing physical and mental skills).
However, self-care that doesn’t address your core needs often feels forced or difficult to maintain. For example, if your dominant need is Uncertainty and Adventure, a rigid routine like daily journaling might feel uninspiring. Instead, you might thrive with activities that bring variety and spontaneity, such as exploring new hiking trails or trying a new hobby.
By understanding your personality needs and choosing self-care activities that align with them, you can create habits that not only feel natural but also provide deeper emotional nourishment—especially during challenging times like grief.
The Self-Care Personality Needs Matrix: Your Guide to Fulfillment
Understanding your core personality needs is the key to creating self-care practices that truly resonate. I created the Self-Care Personality Needs Matrix below to help you categorize your current activities and identify gaps where your needs may not be met.
By aligning self-care with your most important needs, you can build habits that feel natural and fulfilling, supporting you through grief and beyond.
Personality Need | What it Means | Self-Care Examples |
|---|---|---|
Love and Connection | The need to feel close, valued, and understood by others. | Calling a friend, joining a support group, practicing self-compassion. |
Certainty | The need for stability, predictability, and safety in your life. | Creating a daily routine, organizing your space, budgeting finances. |
Novelty | The need for novelty, variety, and excitement to feel energized. | Trying a new hobby, exploring a new place, taking spontaneous walks. |
Significance | The need to feel valued, unique, and recognized. | Celebrating achievements, facilitating or contributing your knowledge. |
Growth |
The need to continually learn, evolve, and challenge yourself. |
Taking an online course, reading a self-help book, setting a personal goal. |
Contribution |
The need to give back and make a difference in others' lives. |
Volunteering, mentoring someone, supporting a charity or cause. |
Four Steps to Optimize Your Way to Needs-Based Self-Care
Self-discovery is a powerful tool for healing, especially during grief. By taking the time to reflect on your personality needs and self-care practices, you can create meaningful habits that align with your deepest priorities.
This four-step journaling exercise will guide you through identifying your core needs, assessing your current self-care, and finding ways to fill the gaps. Set aside some quiet time, grab a journal, and let this practice be a moment of connection with yourself.
Step 1: Identify Your Core Needs
- What do I naturally prioritize in life? For example, do I value stability (Certainty) or thrive on variety (Uncertainty)?
- What activities leave me feeling the most fulfilled? What feels lacking in my current self-care?
Step 2: Assess Your Current Self-Care
- Make a list of the self-care activities you already do, such as journaling, walking, or connecting with loved ones.
- Which needs do these activities meet?
- Are they aligned with my most important personality needs?
Step 3: Fill the Gaps
- If your current routine doesn’t address certain needs, brainstorm activities that do.
Step 4: Prioritize Multifaceted Activities
The more needs an activity fulfills, the more likely you are to stick with it. For example:
- Attending a yoga class might meet Certainty (a predictable routine), Growth (a chance to improve a skill), and Love and Connection (sharing space with others).
- Volunteering could satisfy Contribution and Significance, while also fostering Love and Connection.
The Power of Needs-Aligned Self-Care in Grief
Grieving often depletes our emotional reserves, making self-care harder to prioritize. By focusing on activities that meet your personality needs, you not only regain a sense of control but also create space for meaningful healing.
Remember, the key to sustainable self-care is ensuring it resonates with who you are at your core. Whether it’s finding solace in a community, embracing new experiences, or creating daily rituals, every small step matters.
A Note on Gratitude and Growth
Finally, give yourself grace. Healing is not linear, and your needs may shift over time. By staying attuned to your inner world, you’ll uncover new ways to care for yourself—ways that help you find both peace and purpose amidst the storm.
As you explore your needs and begin to shape self-care that truly resonates, know you don’t have to do it alone. Join me in Awaken, a supportive grief program where you’ll find tools, community, and guidance to help you navigate this journey with compassion and intention. Together, we can create space for healing and growth.
