The holidays have a way of magnifying everything—joy, grief, connection, and loneliness. For those of us navigating estranged relationships, it’s a season that often highlights what we’ve lost while challenging us to find strength in what we still have: ourselves. 

The holiday season is supposed to be a time of joy, connection, and celebration. But for those of us who are estranged from family or friends, it can feel like an emotional minefield. I know this firsthand because I’ve lived it.

Just this week, after years of no contact, I received a text from my father. The message—while couched in what might seem like love—was hollow, a pattern I’ve come to recognize as his inability to take accountability for the harm he has caused and undoubtedly would continue to cause if the relationship lived on.

These moments can be triggering, not just because of what they say but also because of the flood of memories and emotions they awaken. Family estrangement can feel extra heavy during the holiday season.

If you don’t know my story, I delve into these themes in Chapter 7 of my new non-death grief book Navigating Loss: Wisdom and Self-Care for Times of Grief and the Challenges of Life. It’s a deeply personal chapter that explores how I’ve worked to redefine my relationship with myself through journaling after enduring emotional wounds from my family of origin.

In this article, I share practical tips for navigating the holidays while estranged so you can prioritize your emotional well-being and nurture the most important relationship in your life—the one with yourself.

Why Estrangement During the Holiday Season Feels So Hard

The holiday season has a way of magnifying everything. The twinkling lights, cheerful songs, and endless family-centric ads scream togetherness, which can be a cruel contrast when feeling disconnected.

For those of us navigating estranged relationships, this time of year can bring up a cocktail of emotions—grief, anger, sadness, rage, and loneliness, among them.

Like many adult children who have chosen to end a difficult relationship, reach-outs during this season, like the one I received from my father, can feel like salt in the wound. For some, these messages spark hope, while for others, they serve as painful reminders of why estrangement exists in the first place.

Even without direct contact, seeing others celebrate their close-knit, happy families on social media can feel like a stark reminder of what’s missing in our own lives.

Family estrangement is particularly poignant during this season because it disrupts the cultural narrative of ideal family dynamics. We’re bombarded with images of big family dinners, holiday parties, laughter around the fireplace, and parents and adult children sharing heartwarming moments. When your reality doesn’t match this picture, it’s easy to feel isolated or as though something is inherently wrong with you.

Why Other People May Not Understand

If you’ve confided in someone about your estranged family relationships, you might have heard well-meaning but misguided advice like, “But it’s the holidays—can’t you just let it go?” or “Family is everything!” Statements like these can make you feel unseen, as though your pain and boundaries don’t matter.

Society places enormous value on family unity, which makes estrangement particularly stigmatized. People who haven’t experienced toxic or abusive relationships often can’t fathom the necessity of severing ties.

They may believe that all families are functional enough to repair rifts, failing to recognize that reconciliation is neither safe nor healthy for everyone.

As much as we might wish for understanding, we can’t always expect others to grasp the complexity of our situations. That’s okay—it’s not your job to make them understand. Your energy is better spent taking care of yourself.

Practical Tips for Estranged Readers During the Holiday Season

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or alone this holiday season, here are some tips to help you prioritize your well-being and navigate this challenging time with less suffering and more self-love.

Set Boundaries and Stick to Them

Boundaries are the key maintaining your emotional health, whether it’s ignoring a text, declining a holiday party invitation, responding skillfully to triggers, or stepping away from an uncomfortable conversation. Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about punishing others but protecting yourself.

• Tip: Practice saying “no” kindly but firmly. For example: “I appreciate the invitation, but I won’t be attending this year.” Learn more on how to do this in my article: How to Say No to Holiday Events.

Focus on What You Can Control

It’s easy to feel powerless in the face of estrangement, especially during the holidays. Shift your focus to what you can control, like how you spend your time, who you choose to engage with, and the self-care practices you prioritize.

• Tip: Make a list of things that bring you comfort and joy, and plan to incorporate them into your holiday routine.

Practice Self-Compassion

The holidays can be especially hard when you’re estranged. Still, treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend is essential. Remind yourself that it’s okay to struggle and that your feelings are valid.

• Tip: Write yourself a letter of encouragement or repeat affirmations like, “I am deserving of love and peace,” or lean into the practice of Hygge, tuning into your senses and creating a safe, cozy environment that calms your nervous system.

Connect with Your Chosen Family

Family doesn’t have to be defined by blood. Lean on your chosen family—friends, supportive colleagues, or community members who make you feel valued and loved.

• Tip: Host a “Friendsgiving” or holiday gathering with people who lift your spirits, or plan a virtual call with a friend if you’re celebrating solo.

Acknowledge Your Emotions

Feeling sad, angry, or even relieved about your estranged relationship is normal and okay. Suppressing these emotions can make them more overwhelming. Instead, give yourself permission to feel and process them.

• Tip: Try this meditation practice for difficult emotions, or use your favorite mindfulness technique to help you stay present with your feelings without judgment.

Seek Professional Support if Needed

Estrangement can bring up complex emotions, and asking for help is wise. A therapist or grief counselor can provide tools and support to help you navigate this time of year.

• Tip: Consider joining my Awaken Grief Support Group or schedule a session with a non-death grief therapist specializing in family dynamics or support.

Create Your Own Traditions

Estrangement often means letting go of old traditions, which can be bittersweet. When you feel something is missing, create new rituals that bring you joy. These could be anything from a practice celebrating your resilience to writing an annual letter honoring your growth or spending the day in quiet reflection with a good inspirational book.

• Tip: Start small. Choose something meaningful to you and make it a part of your holiday plans.

Limit Social Media Time

It’s easy to fall into the comparison trap, especially when your feed is flooded with images of happy families and festive gatherings. While these posts may not tell the full story, they can still sting.

• Tip: Consider taking a social media break or curating your feed to include accounts that inspire and uplift you.

Reprogramming Your Relationship with Yourself

Family estrangement isn’t just a separation from another person; it’s an opportunity to rewrite the story you’ve been told about yourself. When someone has spent years chipping away at your sense of worth, it can leave behind a subconscious script that says you’re not lovable, not enough, or too much.

The holiday season is a great time to focus on creating a kinder, more compassionate relationship with yourself. This isn’t about pretending everything is okay; it’s about building a foundation of self-love that no one can take away.

Final Thoughts

The holiday season may always carry a tinge of grief for what was or what could have been, but it doesn’t have to define you. By setting boundaries, creating new traditions, and leaning into self-compassion, you can navigate this time of year with strength and grace.

If you’d like more tools to support your journey, I invite you to explore my book, Navigating Loss, where I share more insights and strategies for healing and growth. Remember, you’re not alone and worthy of peace and joy—this holiday season and beyond.