The first Thanksgiving without your loved one may feel overwhelming, but you're not alone. What once may have been a favorite time of year now amplifies your difficult feelings, leaving you wondering how you will cope with grief during the holidays. But with mindful planning and self-compassion, you can approach this day with intention—creating a space for both love and loss.
Why Thanksgiving Feels So Hard When You Are Grieving
Thanksgiving marks the beginning of a season focused on family, tradition, and gratitude. We’re surrounded by images of perfect gatherings and moments that highlight love, connection, and joy. When someone you love is no longer there, the absence can feel magnified, leaving you yearning for a time when things felt whole.
For many, the holidays also bring their own set of challenges—stressful family dynamics, financial strain, or even the pressure to "be happy." When grief enters the mix, it intensifies everything. The empty seat at the table can be a glaring reminder of who is missing, and the desire to feel normal again can seem unreachable. Yet, the truth is, there is no normal after loss. It’s okay if this year feels different because it will be.
Of course the pain of grief shatters our assumptive world well beyond the holiday season. While many of us would prefer to hunker down and come out when the season is over, the reality is that grief will still be there. It isn't the passage of time, but how you spend your time, that impacts how well you cope with grief.
That being said, if you want to tone down the holiday, or skip it all together, that is fine. What you do the first Thanksgiving doesn't have to be what you do next year or the year after that. If you are overwhelmed, and your energy is low, listen to your body and don't over plan.
My First Thanksgiving As A Grieving Child
My uncle died by suicide over 40 years ago on October 18th. I was only seven, and decades years later I am sure my memory is a bit fuzzy. But what I remember from that first Thanksgiving after my uncle's death has stayed with me.
My grandmother was the secretary for the First Baptist Church in Cary, North Carolina. She was an excellent cook who took great care in preparing all the southern staples for our holiday meals. Traditionally, my grandfather would hunt quail in the morning, and she would have them oven fried and ready to serve by mid-afternoon, surrounded by corn pudding, squash casserole, a bounty of garden grown vegetables, mashed potatoes, and homemade gravy.
Although her son had died just over a month before Thanksgiving, she tried her best to replicate holidays past. She prepared the lavish meal, but gone was the joy. The tone was set by her—that to acknowledge the grief we were feeling was unacceptable. I remember watching most of the grown-ups pretend that everything was okay, which was awkward and painful. It felt like my mom and I were the only ones who knew it wasn't.
Of course, hindsight is 20/20. But there were a lot of things we could have done to incorporate our memory of my uncle into the holiday—were it “allowed.” We could have set a chair at the table in his honor, or shared our favorite memory with him. A candle could have been lit to remind us of his spirit, or a prayer said for all of us in pain. My grandmother could have given herself a break from cooking, and instead we could have gone to a restaurant. However, I imagine staying busy was helpful for her. Cooking provided a sense of normalcy in an abnormal situation.
My grandmother's coping style was denial—that first Thanksgiving and beyond. While she never showed it outwardly, I know the pain inside was indescribable and without end. When she died at the age of 99 ½, she still held to the story that her son had been robbed at gunpoint, a tale so ingrained by that time that she believed it to be fact.
The Holiday Dilemma: To Participate or Not?
You may feel conflicted about how to approach Thanksgiving this year. Should you join in traditions, create new ones, or skip it altogether? The truth is, there is no right or wrong answer. Your energy, emotional state, and needs may fluctuate leading up to the day, so be gentle with yourself.
One important reminder: what you choose to do this year doesn't have to be your future tradition. It’s okay to tone down the celebration or opt out entirely if it feels too much. You can always reassess next year or even the day after.
How To Cope With Thanksgiving Grief: Tips for Navigating The Day
1. Practice Self-Compassion
Validate your feelings. It’s normal to dread Thanksgiving without the person you love. Acknowledge that this holiday will look different, and give yourself permission to feel everything—from sadness to relief. Let yourself be vulnerable by journaling your emotions or sharing them with a trusted friend.
2. Make a Plan (But Stay Flexible)
Like the anticipation of a grief anniversary, the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving can be filled with anxiety. Take time to think about what you want the day to look like. Do you want to stick to tradition, start something new, or avoid the holiday altogether? Planning can provide a sense of control, but remember that plans can change. Be flexible and give yourself permission to adjust as needed.
One of the most popular worksheets in my Awaken Online Grief Support Group is called "Special Day Planner" It is also in my guided journal, From Grief to Peace (pp. 114 - 115). The Special Day Planner walks you through a series of guided reflections. Here are a few examples:
- How are expecting to feel - or how do you already feel - about the special day?
- What can you do if you feel overwhelmed?
- Are their any objects you want close to you for memory or comfort?
- Who do you want to be around? Who do you want to avoid?
- What do you want to remember or feel on this special day/
This type of reflection is not only helpful during the winter holidays, but can be used for birthdays, anniversaries, angelversaries, and any other day that feels significant.
3. Honor Your Loved One in Your Own Way
There are many meaningful ways to honor your loved one during Thanksgiving, whether you’re with family or spending it alone. Reflect onwhat is meaningful for you. It may be in conjunction with family members and friends, or it may be a private ritual. Take some time to brainstorm ways you would like to honor your special person this Thanksgiving. Here is a list to help you get started:Consider what feels right for you:
- Prepare their favorite dish and share it with others.
- Light a candle at the table to symbolize their lasting impact.
- Set an empty place at the table as a quiet tribute.
- Wear their favorite color.
- Share your favorite memory of them with family members or write about it in your journal.
Remember, this ritual can be simple or elaborate—it’s about finding something that feels meaningful to you.
Finally, Acknowledging that this holiday season will be different without your person is hard, but true. Some members of your family may try to “power through.” The loss effects everyone in your family system, as well as some friends, and each person will have their own unique grief experience.
Tensions may run high during the first Thanksgiving for your family, and the one person you can control is you. Set yourself up for success by practicing self compassion and planning ahead, and you will probably be surprised how less anxious you will feel.
This year will be different than the last. It may be difficult and painful, but there may also be some special times, too.
Allow Grief to Have Its Place
Grieving during the holidays is not easy. It's not just about surviving the season but finding ways to create meaning amid the heartache. Acknowledge the change, give yourself permission to feel, and honor your loved one in whatever way feels right for you.
This Thanksgiving, the absence of your loved one will likely feel painful, but by practicing self-compassion, planning ahead, and embracing new traditions, you may also find moments of peace and connection. You don’t have to power through. You can hold space for your grief while still holding onto the love that remains.
If you're looking for more support as the holidays approach, consider joining the Awaken Online Grief Support Group. Together, we can create space for remembrance, healing, and resilience.
