The first Thanksgiving without your loved one may feel overwhelming, but you’re not alone. What once was a favorite time of year can now amplify difficult emotions, especially when you’re missing loved ones on Thanksgiving.
While time may soften the edges of grief, it’s natural to miss them not only on Thanksgiving but on every holiday. Finding ways to cope with the pain, honor your loved one, and create new moments of comfort and connection for all Thanksgivings that follow can make this season a little gentler.
With mindful planning and self-compassion, you can approach this day with intention, creating space for both love and loss.
Why Thanksgiving Grief Feels So Hard When You’re Missing a Loved One
Thanksgiving marks the beginning of a holiday season centered on family, tradition, and gratitude. We’re surrounded by images of perfect family gatherings that highlight love, connection, and joy. When someone you love is no longer there, the absence can feel magnified, leaving you yearning for a time when things felt whole.
For many, the holidays also bring their own challenges: stressful dynamics, financial strain, or even the pressure to “be happy.” When grief enters the mix, it intensifies everything. The empty seat at the Thanksgiving dinner table becomes a glaring reminder of who is missing, and the desire to feel normal again can seem unreachable.
Yet there is no “normal” after loss. It’s okay if this year feels different, because it will be.
The pain of grief shatters our assumptive world well beyond the holiday season. While many of us would prefer to hunker down until it’s over, grief remains. It isn’t the passage of time but how you spend your time that shapes how you cope with loss.
If you need to tone down the holiday or skip it altogether, that’s fine. What you do this first Thanksgiving doesn’t have to be what you do next year or the year after. Listen to your body. If your energy is low, don’t over-plan. You might also find it helpful to read How to Say No to Holiday Events
to protect your emotional boundaries.
My First Thanksgiving As A Grieving Child
My uncle died by suicide on October 18, 1977. I was only seven, and although my memory is fuzzy after all these years, what I recall from that first Thanksgiving has stayed with me.
My grandmother was the secretary for the First Baptist Church in Cary, North Carolina. She was an excellent cook who took great care in preparing the southern staples for our holiday meals. Traditionally, my grandfather hunted quail in the morning, and she would have them oven-fried and ready by mid-afternoon, surrounded by corn pudding, squash casserole, garden vegetables, mashed potatoes, and homemade gravy.
Although her son had died just a month before Thanksgiving, she tried her best to replicate holidays past. She prepared the lavish meal, but gone was the joy. The tone was set by her: that to acknowledge grief was unacceptable. I remember watching most of the grown-ups pretend that everything was okay, which was awkward and painful. It felt like my mom and I were the only ones who knew it wasn’t.
Hindsight is 20/20. There were many things we could have done to include my uncle’s memory, if it had been allowed. We could have set a chair at the table in his honor or shared a favorite memory. A candle could have been lit to remind us of his spirit, or my grandmother could have given herself a break from cooking. I imagine staying busy helped her feel normal in an abnormal situation.
Her coping style was denial, that first Thanksgiving and beyond. While she never showed it outwardly, I know the pain inside her was indescribable and without end. When she died at ninety-nine, she still held to the story that her son had been robbed at gunpoint, a tale she had come to believe.
The Holiday Dilemma: To Participate or Not?
You may feel conflicted about how to approach Thanksgiving this year. Should you join in traditions, create new ones, or skip it entirely? There’s no right or wrong answer. Your energy and emotional needs may fluctuate, so be gentle with yourself.
What you choose to do this year doesn’t have to become your new tradition. It’s okay to tone down the celebration or opt out if it feels like too much. You can always reassess next year or even the day after.
If you’re unsure whether to attend, you might appreciate How to Say No to Holiday Events. It offers guidance on making mindful choices about invitations, balancing your needs with others’ expectations, and setting compassionate boundaries throughout the holiday season.
If you do decide to participate, remember that everyone around the table has likely been touched by grief in some way, whether they speak about it or not. The holidays can stir emotions, amplify misunderstandings, and resurface old family dynamics. If you anticipate tension or difficult interactions, you may find comfort in reading Holiday Grief & Difficult People: 7 Tips to Cope. It offers gentle, practical tools to help you navigate these moments with self-awareness and care.
How to Cope with Thanksgiving Grief: Tips for Navigating the Day
1. Practice Self-Compassion
Validate your feelings. It’s normal to dread Thanksgiving when you’re missing a loved one. Acknowledge that this holiday will look different, and give yourself permission to feel everything, from sadness to relief. Let yourself be vulnerable by journaling your emotions or sharing them with someone you trust.
2. Make a Plan (But Stay Flexible)
Like the anticipation of an anniversary, the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving can be filled with anxiety. Decide what you want the day to look like. Do you want to stick to tradition, start something new, or avoid the holiday entirely? Planning provides a sense of control, but remember that plans can change. Give yourself permission to adjust as needed.
One of the most popular worksheets in my Awaken Online Grief Support Group is called "Special Day Planner" It is also in my guided journal, From Grief to Peace (pp. 114 - 115). The Special Day Planner walks you through a series of guided reflections. Here are a few examples:
- How are you expecting to feel, or how do you already feel, about the special day?
- What can you do if you feel overwhelmed?
- Are there objects you want nearby for memory or comfort?
- Who do you want to be around? Who do you want to avoid?
- What do you want to remember or feel on this special day?
This type of reflection is helpful not only during the winter holidays but also for birthdays, anniversaries, and any day that feels significant. You can also explore more ideas in my Holiday Resources.
3. Honor Your Loved One in Your Own Way
There are many meaningful ways to honor your loved one during Thanksgiving, whether you’re with family or spending it alone. Reflect on what is meaningful for you. It may be in conjunction with family members and friends, or it may be a private ritual. Take some time to brainstorm ways you would like to honor your special person this Thanksgiving. Here is a list to help you get started:
- Prepare their favorite dish and share it with others.
- Light a candle at the table to symbolize their lasting impact.
- Set an empty place at the table as a quiet tribute.
- Wear their favorite color.
- Share your favorite memory of them with family members or write about it in your journal.
- Meditate on the many ways they impacted your life (learn how to do this in my article Meditation for Missing Your Loved One on Thanksgiving).
Finding Comfort When You’re Missing Loved Ones on Thanksgiving
Some families create a small remembrance ritual on Thanksgiving, a moment of silence, a candle lighting, or a shared story, to honor the person they’re missing. You might call it your own Thanksgiving memorial, not formal or religious, but a gentle space to connect love and memory.
These small acts can ease the ache of absence and bring a sense of closeness to the day, allowing both grief and gratitude to share the same table. This year will be different than the last. It may be difficult and painful, but there may also be some special times, too.
Allow Grief to Have Its Place
Grieving during the holidays is not easy. It’s not just about surviving the season but finding small ways to create meaning amid the heartache. Acknowledge the change, give yourself permission to feel, and honor your loved one in whatever way feels right for you.
This Thanksgiving, the absence of your loved one will likely feel painful, but by practicing self-compassion, planning ahead, and embracing new traditions, you may also find moments of peace and connection. You don’t have to power through. You can hold space for grief while still holding onto the love that remains.
If you’d like gentle guidance through the holidays, download the free Grief-Sensitive Holiday Planner. It includes mindful prompts, reflection exercises, and simple ideas to help you move through the holiday season with more ease and self-understanding.
