The key to a calm, connected holiday season lies in clear, compassionate communication. Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re pathways to peace and understanding.

In a previous article, we shared 7 Tips to Cope with Difficult People and Holiday Grief, which offers practical strategies for navigating family gatherings and handling challenging personalities. In this article, we’ll dive deeper into one of those tips: how to communicate your needs clearly during the holidays. This approach can be challenging, especially when difficult people are involved, but it’s key to creating a holiday experience that feels more peaceful and authentic to you.

The holiday season often brings up complicated family dynamics. Being around loved ones can be wonderful, but it can also spotlight unresolved issues, old wounds, and value differences. If you’ve struggled with communicating your needs effectively—especially with challenging people—these five steps will help. Each one is rooted in a proven method I share in my relationship coaching, where I use a simple worksheet to guide clients toward better communication, clear boundaries, and deeper self-understanding.

For many people, finding the balance between expressing needs and maintaining connections can be tricky, especially if past experiences or attachment styles play a role. Some of us may have an easier time setting boundaries, while others struggle to assert our needs. No matter where you fall, these five steps offer a way to honor both your well-being and the relationships that matter to you.

Step 1: Know What You Need

Before entering a family gathering, take time to reflect on your needs and boundaries. When you’re clear on what will help you feel safe, comfortable, and respected, it becomes easier to communicate calmly. Ask yourself:

• What do I need to feel grounded?
• Are there specific topics or behaviors I’d like to avoid?
• How much time can I spend with this person or group before I feel overwhelmed?

By clarifying your needs, you lay the foundation for confident, assertive communication.

Step 2: Choose a Few Clear, Kind Statements

To make sure your needs are understood, prepare simple statements you can use in different situations. These aren’t designed to control anyone else’s behavior; they’re simply ways to express what you need. Some examples:

• “I’d love to hear about [other person’s interest], but could we keep the conversation light?”
• “I need a few minutes of quiet time; I’ll step outside for a bit.”

I often encourage clients to practice these phrases before the event, as repetition can make it feel more natural when the time comes.

Step 3: Stay Calm and Centered

Staying calm and grounded when someone challenges or ignores your boundary can be difficult, but it’s essential for clear communication. A steady tone is far more powerful than yelling.

Remember, you can always step away if things get intense. A quick breathing exercise or even a few minutes alone can help you refocus and stay connected to your intentions.

In my coaching sessions, we practice grounding techniques to support clients in handling moments when emotions run high. Even a quick deep breath can make a big difference in your ability to stay calm and respond with intention.

Step 4: Use “I” Statements

When addressing sensitive topics, using “I” statements helps express your feelings and needs without sounding accusatory. This approach often eases defensive reactions, allowing the other person to understand your perspective without feeling attacked. Examples include:

• “I feel overwhelmed when conversations get heated. Could we talk about something else?”
• “I’d like to share my perspective if you’re open to it.”

In coaching, we use “I” statements as part of the worksheet exercise, where clients identify how they feel and what they need. This simple shift in language can change the tone of an interaction and make it easier to find common ground.

Step 5: Have an Exit Plan (and Use It If You Need To)

Some situations may simply be too intense or uncomfortable, and it’s okay to leave early or excuse yourself from a conversation. Set a boundary around your time and energy by letting people know you may need to take a break or leave if things become too much. This strategy isn’t about shutting people out; it’s about respecting your own limits to prevent resentment or overwhelm.

Through relationship coaching, I help clients create personalized “exit plans” that they can use when situations become challenging. This isn’t about avoidance—it’s about choosing a mindful response over staying in situations that don’t serve yo

Remember, communicating your needs is a skill. The more you practice, the easier it becomes to set boundaries with clarity and compassion. If you’d like support with this, consider joining Awaken, my online grief support community, where we go deeper into strategies for navigating the complexities of relationships—especially around the holidays.